Befriending Your Fear
/What is your relationship to Fear? When Fear shows up, do you try to hide from it, or do you take some time to be with it and comfort it like you would a scared child? What if there was more to Fear and why it’s present in your psyche?
I’m no stranger to writing about Fear. I’ve written about it many times in my blog and journal about it often. In a recent post, Fear was defined as False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear arises to protect us while also hold us back from taking chances, putting ourselves out there, and being seen. It fills our head with thousands of reasons why we shouldn’t do something and if we’re not careful, it can easily convince us not to move forward.
Have you ever asked Fear what it wants or needs?
Before I dive into this question, I want to presence myself to this journey and how it’s all coming full circle. This blog is the 25th blog in my 30-day blog challenge. When I started this challenge, I had no idea what would come of it. I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage coming up with a new topic every day and to be consistent in my writing practice. Yet, here we are. I have shown up each day/ late at night to fulfill my commitment to myself. I’ve confronted Fear many times throughout this challenge by learning to lean in and get curious about it. A beautiful awakening has been happening within me. And it all started when I chose to shift my relationship and view of Fear.
Fear is not going away so you might as well befriend it.
Author Elizabeth Gilbert writes about Fear in her book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. A dear friend of mine gifted me this book a couple of years ago. At the time I wasn’t in a mental space to receive the wisdom of this book. I tucked it away as a ‘one day’ read. Books are all about timing. Sometimes we’re ready to receive the message of the book while other times, we’re simply not ready. Last year, I finally took the time to read this book. It was a compelling read and one that sparked curiosity around my own creative work. It’s a book I am re-reading again as I dive further into my own writing. In the book, Liz writes about her creative processes around writing and having the patience to hold onto your work until the timing is right.
I’ll never forget reading this book and being struck with awe around her view of Fear:
“There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still—your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote.”
She creates a beautiful relationship between Fear and creativity. Fear is never going away, so give it a seat and a place at the table. Don’t diminish it. Allow it to be present. Allow it to have a voice. But don’t allow it to have a vote on how things will go.
I started working with a new coach and mentor. Today we had our first session which was super profound. Prior to the call, she asked me to answer this question: What do I desire to have in my life more than anything else? I spent some time journaling about this question. I felt Fear arise as I tuned in and asked to be shown what I truly desire right now. I immediately judged my answer, but rather than dismissing it, I allowed it to be. I kept my answer and brought it to the call.
Most of the session was spent in a deep meditation. Kim took me on a sensory journey to stand with my desire. I found myself on a familiar beach that I often visit in meditation. I was standing with my toes in the sand basking in the warmth of the sun and the movement of the waves coming in and out across my feet. She asked me what I was feeling and what it felt like to be with my desire. My mind was open but my body was growing more and more tense. I felt a tightness closing in on the left side of my neck. It felt like a band was squeezing its way around my neck and throat. She asked if I felt okay to be with the pain and explore it. Yes, I wanted to know what was causing this pain.
Fear was closing in around me. Like a black band of moldable clay wrapping its way around me tighter and tighter to prevent me from receiving my desire.
my messy sketch of what fear looks and feels like to me
When I was in Colorado recently, another coach of mine, Allison, asked me to draw fear. Thick, black, rubbery, like a rope or band that could be stretched and molded. I immediately knew this was Fear coming to hold me down and keep me from moving forward. She kept asking me to describe it and say out loud what it was wanting. She then asked me to ask My Fear, “What do you want? What do you need?”
Give Fear a voice.
Imagine if a child was scared or afraid of something. You most likely wouldn’t abandon it or shrug it off as no big deal. No. You would likely cozy up to the child, put your arm around them, and ask why they are scared. You would lean in and comfort the child and support them in releasing their Fear. Now imagine that the child is your inner child, deep within you, afraid and scared. Asking for your support. Would you comfort it?
Tears immediately filled my eyes as I asked Fear what it wants and needs. In the clearest voice, I heard the words—A Hug. To be nurtured and loved. To be acknowledged and noticed. Attention. To be seen. The more I leaned in and asked Fear these questions, the more the pain in my body and the tight band around my neck loosened.
When Fear shows up, take a moment to lean in and ask what it wants or needs.
Really allow yourself the space to lean in and ask. Trust that the answers that arise are the answers that are ready to be revealed. If nothing shows up, don’t force it. Give it time, love, and encouragement. When it’s ready (and really, when you’re ready), trust. Trust that you are being held by love and no matter what answers arise, you can hold it. And if you’re not in a space to hold it, call upon your Spirit Guides to hold it for you. Call in your support and allow yourself to be supported.
This was a profound experience for me. I’ve been leaning into Fear for many years now, and I’ve never thought to ask Fear what it wants or needs. I was very present to my inner child and her desire for love, attention, affection, and acknowledgment. So often I seek these desires to be fulfilled from other people rather than from myself. I look to others to provide this support and when they don’t, I find myself disappointed, hurt, and alone. My expectations are squashed and I’m left feeling abandoned.
Being starts with Self.
The beautiful reminder in all of this is that love, attention, affection, acknowledgment…starts from within. Our most important relationship is our relationship to self. Our relationship to self requires nurturing, unconditional love, acceptance, nourishment, and attention (as if it were a young child seeking support). It requires us to invite Fear in and ask it what it really needs. If we’re not making our Self our #1 priority and giving it the attention it desires, we will not be able to fully give of ourselves or receive from others.
Self-love, Self-Appreciation, Self-care…all of it is vital to our overall well-being.
This. All of this is what is coming to life through this blog challenge. The more I lean into the pain and Fear, the more I’m able to find freedom, love, and appreciation. It’s all connected. There’s beauty in all of it.
Have you ever befriended your Fear and asked it what it really wants and needs? What could be made possible for yourself and your life by choosing to lean in?
If you find yourself paralyzed by your own Fear or uncertain as to what is hiding within, schedule a 1:1 Deep Clarity Session. Together we will dive in and ask Fear what it really wants and needs.