Do you ever allow yourself to cry in public? When you feel tears coming on, do you fight them or just let them be? Tears are so often seen as a weakness or something that should be hidden. I’m sitting on a plane and rather than fighting the tears, I’m allowing them to come. The past few months have been emotionally and physically draining so when the tears arise, I just let them come.
I’ve been on a journey of exploration and discovery for quite some time now. I find myself expanding more and really present to all of the changes and transformation taking place. There are some days (especially lately) when I can’t see where this is leading, yet I keep pressing forward. I press forward because I know there’s something on the other side worth discovering. I recognize that I’ve been playing a bigger game in life and it’s finally my turn. It’s my turn to trust myself and follow my heart and see where it leads.
For the longest time, I haven’t believed in myself or allowed myself to step into the unknown. And while I have to fake it some days or push myself forward when I want to crawl back in my safe space, I keep pressing forward. Because forward means I’m still moving regardless of whether or not I can see where I’m going.
In July 2017, I attended my first week-long meditation retreat. I had attended some mini retreats and workshops in the past but never for an entire week. And it rocked my world. I believed I would discover something new but had no idea how profound and life-changing it would be. Nor did I know how it would pave the way for what was to come.
As I sat in our circle on our very first day, I allowed myself to be fully present and open to whatever would come. After our first meditation, it was clear this retreat would be a game changer. I got really present to how I had been living life and going through the motions and allowing struggle to be my comfort. I felt a tinge of discomfort and shame towards myself as I discovered how safe I had been playing my life. And I didn’t want to live like that anymore. Suddenly I was filled with emotion and declared that I was tired of playing it safe. It was a hard truth to face.
Many would look at my life and not understand why I would declare such a thing. I’ve traveled all over the world and have lived a life of adventure. But when you strip that all away - those were just moments. I was holding back in so many other areas. For some, playing it safe means not going on a trip or doing something out of their comfort zone. For me, playing it safe had a deeper impact. I was comfortable living in a life of complacency and struggle.
After the initial shock of this realization wore off, I began creating how I wanted my life to be. In the days, weeks, and months following, I began asking myself if I was playing it safe by not doing something, or if I was willing to let go of that comfort and take a chance.
I propelled forward. I said yes to more things that would challenge and stretch me. I committed to myself and explored things that I otherwise would not have tried simply because something better may come along. Yoga Teacher Training was a big part of this - committing to being in one place and giving up my freedom for 4 months was a big step for me. I invested in new friendships and relationships and allowed myself to be vulnerable and connect on a deeper level rather than pretending or hiding or running away. I moved into my first solo apartment leaving behind my comfort of living with others. And these are just a few examples. There are many other areas moving in my life and it’s finally coming to fruition.
The weight of all I’ve been doing is pressing on me as I prepare my heart for my second Wildhearted Retreat. This time around is different. Last year I wasn’t quite sure what I was wanting to get from the retreat, but was open to whatever would come. This time, I know I have to press inward and allow myself to heal fresh wounds and dig up ones that I’ve buried deep within. My stubborn side wants to hold on as tightly as I can and not give in or let others in. And in doing so I will create space for bold freedom and a life full of wonder and unlimited possibility.
Safety tells me that I’ll be fine and that’s there’s no need to uncover my discomfort or disbelief in myself. It’s easier to keep it buried. As much as I want to keep holding on, I know I can’t. For my sake. For others. I’m not playing it safe anymore. I’m playing a bigger game in life. And it’s my turn to step up, roll the dice and see where it leads.